bliss

the way you make your mind work is everything.

you ever had an argument with people and disagreed so much you troubled yourself to the point you promised not to deal with them again?

well, i had those. then i realized, it’s occasional and it might be very arrogant of me if i kept the emotional feelings i had during those times. i am very straight forward. i don’t get pulled in dramas. it’s where people thought they’re holding up on their pride where in fact it is the darkness profess as one’s credibility. 

NO.

it is one’s ego. ego loves conflict. but no, maybe their doing the right thing. ok, but wouldn’t it be better if you’re practicing kindness rather than being right?

this is why i write. i am 100% sure i get so much in writing than telling people my problem :)

because the world feels right again when you keep your heart clean and pure.

your soul deserve peace.

J

10:00PM

hey soulmate, 

you are not here, but you are.

i connect with you, even from a far.

our talks were out of these world,

you reflect on every bet of my word.

can’t cut lose, i’m trying to focus.

the comfort in every conversation

is now a lifetime discomfort

how heavy it is to carry on

pressured to live as time goes on

a roommate, a close friend, a mentor,

those who i’ve seen with a sense of humor

that someone with all the sarcastic comments

is now part of my intellectual habits

i’m not a poet

but that is not the point

just taking a moment

in being in the present

because i know

that in my silent moment

i am grateful for the past

i hold it like a glass

…unbroken

and hey, i love who i am.

i share it with whom i love.

the past may be a distraction

accepting the present's imperfection

an only way i can guarantee

bringing it to today is my cup of tea.

-

again, i am not a poet. i have written many of these. but never published, nor re-read. one thing i know for sure, a soulmate is a connection, a mutual understanding, a trust, a comfort, and a compatibility.

it's 10:00pm. goodnight soulmate. <3 

it all depends on you

nothing stays the same, your body can heal. your life can change. you may not see it or feel it but changes happens when you change perspective. you can be sick and people will tell you are sick. you change that when you let your body heal itself. if nature cannot make it, nothing will . your house will always full of clutter if you think it should always be like that. 

…then you clean up😊 

what happens to the clutter? organized. 

what happens to the sick body? healed.

people(plural) tell me how am i doing it?(hiking up a mountain) you are ill, you are weak, you could get cold, your sickness could get worse. that’s their minds telling them that if they climb up the mountain, they will get sick. i tell my mind that if i move and keep going i’ll see how far i can go(God speed). 

yes there is limit but there is no limit when you put God first. 

Love, J

rollin’ in a deep

feb 25, 2025

bismillah. 

we’re rolling again.

things had happened. i wish i could write this on a paper, but things had changed. after so many years, i get to write again. i know i will somehow put off writing because life is happening and i havent sat around and think to myself ‘aah, another topic to write’.

it’s indescribable. 

writing this on a plane because it’s an 8 hour flight and what better way to use your time while everyone has dozed off. plus, i am very excited to remind you and myself that whatever happens, it’s for the best. also, it comes with how you deal with what is happening. no matter what is going on, please always be considerate of others specially to yourself. if it hurts you, forgive them but forgive yourself first. and as i am writing this, i could think of a person that would’ve handle situation and made it to chaos. 

one advice i could give to others - because this has worked for me already - is that, if you are in a complicated situation, LEAVE IT. 

dont try to fix it. understand it. let it be and let it wait. otherwise you’re just trying to show off. you can’t fix a situation. you can only spectate and understand. if you are involve, try to avoid participating that much. it will only add complications to it.

let it be, just let it be and let yourself out of it COMPLETELY.

you are much more than proving that you are right.

you are better than how they do you wrong.

you are not ignoring them, you are watering down the situation.

it’s okay if you made a wrong decision. you can forget about it and move on. life will fix it for you, in time. 

because life will always want you to win.

please remember that.

love you all. J

SLOW AND SIMPLE

…living

it’s 1:18 pm today. i have my coffee beside me. and a water. mobile phones everywhere in the table because my relatives thought i can fix them. thu? 

yes sometimes, i can. but most of the time i get sick of it and get rid of it by telling them to bring it to the cellphone repair shop because i could’t do anything about it. but the reality is… why do they have to forget their passwords anyway. 

accountability.

slow and simple because these days i’ve been watching rural daily lives documentaries on youtube. everything is green and backward. for example, cooking on a fire pit. getting all the ingredients at their backyards. water from a well. just wow. i don’t know if this is me looking for a peace of mind or piece of inspiration and be grateful for everything i have now. 

an old saying… “be careful of what you wish for” literally, most of the my childhood wish are now with/in me. i can’t illustrate them all but i can say, i have been where should be. and i am where i am right now because this was once considered in my brain. 

i have plenty of things in my brain. and if it cultivates. then it’s a story to tell.

let’s see what’s gonna happen. 

J

KINDNESS OR PEOPLE PLEASING

i’ve known so many people and i’ve never clicked with anyone that breaks the standard of what i think is real kindness.

i’m not nice. people who i lived with, knew i’m not. but if i have to help, i will. I’m not sure either if i am kind but i never act kind. specially, if people are looking or around. i would want them to think i am not nice, then surprise them with a sincere help… and i will, not just an offer. i will. if they refused to, they must be taking life seriously. Hey! we’re all human, loosen up! 

…and that’s a self-reminder first. 

you will find what you seek, so a post by haileypaigemagee on instagram explained really well what’s the difference between kindness and people pleasing.

she elaborated the following...

PEOPLE PLEASING is rooted from,

1. transactionality - i’ll give you this so that you give me something back.
2. obligation - i’m giving you this so that i can’t feel guilty.
3. compulsion - i’m giving you this because i have no idea how not to give you this.
4. loss aversion - i’m giving you this so i don’t lose you.

KINDNESS is rooted from,

1. desire - i really want to give this to you.
2. goodwill - i’m eager to increase that quality of your life because i care about you.
3. choice - i don’t have to do this. i want to do this.

if you are my reader and you are benefited from this post. keep it to yourself and choose kindness. don’t be a people pleasing.

you can help other understand by sharing this post. 

well, you don’t have to. one person to read this post is all that matter.

J

apple and coffee

have you tried eating this combo? 

ok, so let me make this post a WISHful thoughts for everyone. 

I WISH EVERYONE WILL HAVE UNDERSTANDING ON THE THINGS THEY CAN’T.

past is past. i may wrong people and definitely wronged me, huge. i make mistakes but that doesn’t mean i will stay in that mess. so as them. it’s all about understanding. see, if i hear people telling me i am this and that because i did this and that… well, smart people know that this is only based on their own perspective in life and their own experience. 

let’s look at it this way, why do you think a guy went inside a book store? to buy a book, look for a book but may not buy it. just walking around feeling the books around. you didn’t think of that guy stealing a book, right? impossible. BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T DONE IT! also, you think of the good.

see, you are a positive thinker! GOOD FOR YOU! just like i never believe in same gender relationship because it never occur to me or to my mind.

try apple and coffee together. i insist. 😂

sometimes, my brain works like this. assorted! and it’s okay. we are all human. and i always need my laptop to take all that’s overflowing.

want another mix to this? our road is on construction. bad for the business. very noisy, muddy, few customers because of the road blocks. but think about the outcome after the road is fixed? i am thinking of it. same goes when a woman is pregnant and has to carry a baby inside her body for 9 months long. but the outcome is super rewarding. sure it will take longer than expected. but these are the things that are out of our control. you can’t disagree. 

also, this is a 3-day writing in count. 

thank you for the patience.

the sunlight on my face while writing this this morning is good, too. 

J

January 3, 2023 - New Year, Manila

in frustration to go home. a sarcastic friend of mine said who is taking flights on new year's? well, us! and we’re stuck in manila.

 

here i am. wanting to complain everything since we got here in manila. but having to think of kuala lumpur trip before all this mess makes everything perfect. 

instead of thinking of our misfortune. let me remind myself of all the good things happen to us. because complains won’t solve it. we did everything we could. but we can’t go against nature. 

day one in kuala lumpur, alhamdulillah. i am back again. but with company. my friend and my little sister. 

everything started at the plane take off. that feeling when i know i’ll be in kl at any moment. those people in the aircraft, knowing that they will be walking with us through arrival hall way. i couldn’t contain my feeling. it’s all warm and feeling myself again. not saying i don’t like being in my country. i am saying that traveling is more than home for me. especially meeting old friends. 

there is something in traveling/flights that puts me in another level of good wholesome being. only God knows. and i thank Him for letting me feel it again. it’s all in Him. 

so we arrived at our destination, a residential unit - awesome accommodations. 18th floor. perfect place for sunrise/sunset sightings. good for us, they got the sunrise. mmmm, my favourite.   

five days in kuala lumpur without wasting any minute - haha. and resting is calculated as we needed to get to the next plan as itinerary. ok ok, i wouldn’t go to any details. because we had so much and to put it into writing is going to take a lot of time. i was telling my friend while we were running towards the train, that we did things we were doing in a year, fitting into five days only. that’s when i know i can’t write everything in one post. 

also, i am writing to remind myself of all the good. bad may occur as flight cancellation, passengers complaining, i even heard a black american guy telling other passengers that “manila is a mess" but what’s the worst thing that could happen? we have place to stay in here. it’s just that, it wasn’t the plan and i wouldn’t want to be in any other room but mine. XD you understand, right? ok.

thanks for reading. and i love kl, btw. <3

j

small talk

...doesn’t work for me. that’s why i needed to write. because it’s not always enough. if people asked how my life is going… “i’m good” won’t suffice my answer. not keeping in touch with people i used to talk a lot before my life now, sometimes pisses me off. i want to tell them every details and i want to know theirs, too. luckily, there is this thing called “acceptance” of all these things of all these changes and understand that life doesn’t stay the same everyday. 

"everyday is not the same."

it may seem like it is. but if we make the best of our days, it will be different. this may never be the same situation to many… but if you feel like you’ve been the same person or you’ve been in the same place or you haven’t been different or being yourself. that is not true. you are where you are for a reason. you are who you are because you need to understand something. life is never fair. ironically, it is what makes all life fair. because without low, there is no high and without day there is no night. you get the point right? another example, if there is no poor, what’s the point of being rich. light, dark? so if you haven’t been everywhere, and you see all these people traveling all the time, wait for your turn. because if you can’t travel, it’s not because of your environment, and it is not because of you or your circumstances, it’s because it should not happen to you YET! trust the process! you can’t be impatient. don’t cry for it, too. well, you can... but you know there is always a better way to cry. SWEAT! 

anyways, going back to having a small talk. i am having a big thought about it but incase this blog isn’t enough. wait for the next. thank you for reading. may this be beneficial to you or if not, then get a good sleep. it will give you super power.

Thanks, J

people are nice...

politics isn’t. 

if you want to talk to me about politics, who’s better and who’s not, you’ll probably get an 8-year-old kid's answer. yes, i’m not into politics, that includes talking about it, let alone getting involve in it. let’s be honest, politics to me, is a game of power, authority and most of all, fame. oh, look! i just talked about it, haha! very ironic, because you just can't avoid it. even if you’re the most secluded person you know, as long as you are a person and you have an ears and a mind, and you try to deal with life in whichever you are living, you are in it.

the thing is… when we don’t like something, we can only express it and then do nothing about it. but that’s not to say, you don’t care. when you don’t like a person, or the way that person talks, doesn’t that mean you have invested an observation that made you not liking how that person talk? yeah! same goes with politics and everything that’s going around you.
when i say, people are nice, i don’t refer to their character or behavior. i am referring to the nature of their being. a sad person wasn’t born a sad baby. it’s the environment system on how that baby grow made him/her a sad person. 

writing this with a very open and expanded mind. i am considering everyone i know and everything i had known and most of all, my experiences and other people’s experience that 
have preoccupied me. in this way, i am seeing life far different 10 years ago.
“understanding” is the key… people has to do it because they have to. you can tell them your “right way” of thinking but to them, it might not be convenient, attainable, or even doable. things must be done because sometimes, they have no other choice and it’s their only choice, to move forward and sometimes, to survive in such situation.

so remember, underneath he/she is probably a nice person, most folks are. just understand. and just like you and me, we’re just doing what we think is best for us.

thank you for reading. <3

things i'll never forget

over the past few years, things kept changing, at least to me. occupations, places, people, principles, opinion etc. but things with the memory i had with people and places aren’t changeable. one of the reason i write about this is that, these things just won’t fade away… and sometimes it’s overwhelming. i am confused with the thought of - should i be sad that i had experienced something a person could wish for and then one moment you’re in your own head just so you can think about it over and over again because you aren’t in those moment anymore?

starring at my wallet i bought in malaysia for 300 ringgits reminds me that i was somehow an idiot. i could get lesser price than that but i was at that moment a splurge? new word, an act of spending money freely or extravagantly. (btw i am trying to use easy words as much as i can, i don’t have audience, haha)

well, it lasted 4 years without any damages. it is as good as new. not to brag about it but those wrong decisions we thought we’ve done? those aren’t really wrong. it meant to happen. the food you ordered and didn’t liked the taste back then? it’s suppose to happen. the new shirt you fell off(not mine) in the middle of the highway on a paper bag? - should never forget that. the time you spend with people you never liked? be thankful for it. the nice things you thought about people but turned out you were wrong, and vice versa? sighed.

now that i am not in those operating life i had. i am trying to impress myself by thinking “wows had happened to me”, rather than, i wish i could go back. i could lists an endless things that i’ll never forget from my past years but these ones are outstanding…

• my sister and i, flew to indonesia as a scholarship grant.
• learning bahasa indonesia with our first indonesian family in the university.
• having a russian roommate for nearly 5 years living together.
• additional madagascar next door dorm mate.
• got to know a somali girl and her traditions
• deep conversations with a chinese girl
• gym, fitness
• learnt how to ride motorcycle
• jogjakarta
• kicked for a while in taekwondo
• learnt badminton (and still learning)
• penanggungan adventure
• university campus
• university professors who inspires me to keep going
• malaysia and all of it (job, stuff, ERL, people, travel, lunch tribe)
• nuree

it went too fast. it’s just too fast.

for that, alhamdulillah and the next life ahead!

J

live | time travel

while reading the book “the magic of thinking big” - currently in it. at its quarter - it occurs to me that sometimes i think, books are just amazing. and just like people, some books you’ll like, some don’t, some gives you the feeling of boredom and some motivates you and even gets you roll out of your bed. well, those are the times when i wasn’t reading at my reading place which is at our rooftop. 

going back to the book i am currently reading mentioned above, on chapter 2, i quote…

“I’m going to live until i die and i’m not going to get life and death confused. while i’m on this earth i’m going to live. why be only half alive? every minute a person spends worrying about dying is just one minute that fellow might as well have been dead.”

that is a man who has a plastic valve on his heart. yet, he smiles and set big plans in his future. 

i’m inspired. 

so i downloaded stuffs i need to learn and here i am writing about what i’m about to do. can you see the destruction there? yeah, ‘cause i’m too inspired not to write.

…there is something about writing that seem overwhelming to me.

i noticed this because i’ve been doing this for a long time. i over think. i gotta admit that. so to keep things to not overflow, i need to store it somewhere, not spill it because then, i overthink on wasting it, or was it? or should i sustain it with other good thoughts? yes, sometimes i just…

THINK ALL ABOUT THE GOOD because entertaining bad thoughts, will only lead to unfavourable thoughts then guess who suffers from it? your physical body. 

i finally got it out from my system.

now let’s talk about the good.

somewhere around 2015 i’ve read something about “the power of mind” not sure if that is the title of the book or was it a chapter title. at that time i had all the things required to fulfil the experiment. environment and people. 

yes, i experimented it. 

so, to my surprise, our mind is so powerful. you can time travel and relive the past, the energy the interest, but never to the extent that you get nostalgic because you were never there and can never get there. but i think, we can only attain the good times and good feelings because by time… we are actually leaving the bad behind and keep the good ones and that is its nature. 

happy time travelling.

J

changes | fated

it’s year 2022 and the word “positive” became frightening and all of a sudden you are either to survive and live or become severe and die. (May Allah protects us all, amen!)

the word “what’s new?” doesn’t even mean asking for personal progress anymore but rather “a virus” that keeps upgrading. what’s the new virus? oh it’s variant of the virus. yeah, whatever, i had enough of people talking about it, here and there... 

IT WON’T CHANGE THE SITUATION ANYWAY.

the stay home stay safe will drive people crazy, it doesn’t work on everyone. a person who loves going out will somehow be with the person who loves being home and now they have to get to know each other. you can be any of this particular kind of person and understand what i meant. 

THIS CHANGES THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT LIFE

see, if this situation doesn’t change a person’s perspective about life, then i don’t know what can change them. i myself had thought of it for so many times and tried to understand why… but sometimes there is just no answer. you just let it happen. and see what comes after it. because life keeps happening either i drink too much coffee or i don’t. 

when lockdown happened back in 2020, i didn’t had a back up plan. it was the downfall of all the things listed on my checklist life-goals living outside the country. it was a tough decision.

i had to go home.

…and restart!

❤️J