year 2021 | where have I been?

i’ve been to some trips, nature blending activities, muslim dawah’s conflicts and dramas over YouTube (just because it’s relevant and i can relate to it), jim browning, kitbooga, sadghuru, ask steve harvey clips, crime documentaries, ali abdaal channel, river monster episodes, one after another (just so i can get my endorphin going) gone my way out of malaysia, quarantined, and now home.   

today february 21, around 6am in the morning. freezing cold to what they call typhoon in my place, opened up notification on facebook i’ve been ignoring for many months, not because i don’t feel like it. It’s only because i have been reducing the use of it and i like the feeling of missing something then find it later like a treasure. 

to my surprise, i found a recent posts tagged by a facebook friend, a post i have never expected. her kind of company and understanding skills has surpassed an expression of just a “thank you”. well, i’ve learned to appreciate people. especially their kindness. any kindness. big or small. an act of small kindness may change people’s life. i’d call it, an effort of helping others without any cost. also, if she reads this(and i am hoping so), please know, that i have learn so much from you and i am happy that you became part of my interesting life-story. THANK YOU! writing this because i treasure you! 

fast forward to now, it’s january 2, 2022. sunday morning, on my kitchen table. lots of things had happened and will happen. i’ve got to save it for next ✨

peaceful ya’ll.

J

AUGUST 2020 | MUHARRAM

tomorrow is muharram, the start of the islamic calendar. taking this opportunity to write for a new beginning.

a start. a change. an another alhamdulillah.

if i wanna describe this year in one word, it should be “miracle”.

and so, going along with the meaning of how i describe this year for me, words are running in my mind like they can’t wait to be expressed. events in details are overwhelming they might escape. XD 

i would like to start with gratitude, a “THANK YOU” 😊with a smile on my face remembering this adorable kid yesterday in that small restaurant. i am inspired. not because i was just discovering the power of gratitude but to receive it from a very innocent beautiful being is just pleasing.

to start with this blog, i had tons and tons of drafts starting last year 2019, to write a post and keep up to date with my technotes. haha, i guess i am just a failure. the cycle i went through, i started writing and then put it off, then started another paragraph with the new title and then delete them, then goes back to the previous topic and thought i shouldn’t have deleted the previous one until big events happened. 2019 i started my job as technical representative in a global service desk company in this country. meaning, i am far from my family and i don’t have much family responsibility and so i can keep up with my hobbies, for example sketching, writing and traveling & spots. none of it happened instead i have discovered so many things about me about people about life and of course about how Allah’s plan is always the perfect plan. 

the aftermath of the eventful and intense 2019 to 2020 for me is that (a) no matter how much i wanted to tell mom and dad that i can take care of myself, they will still doubt it and (b) coronavirus has changed my life’s perspective. life is short. family is gold. jobs are temporary. health is wealth. save for yourself. give and give, money, care, kindness, prayer.

as a decision maker for my own life, i have decided to go home and leave this job for good and hopefully i can serve my parents as i have served myself for almost 10 years and counting. a blessing that not everyone could get and i am ready to give something back for them. my time and service. i hope i won’t mess up this time around. making me miss home wasn’t easy. i never missed home i never wanted to go home. i love living outside. hanging out with my friends, knowing people, inspiring people, be inspired, learning stuffs, getting a new language, having a new sports, improving social communication skills until The One who has made everything possible has put it to an end. THANK YOU for the experience. keeping all the good and remember the lessons from the bad.

i am excited to continue this life that has been given to me, keeping in touch with the people i have met outside. i am just blessed, thinking all this was just once was a wish when i was just a poor kid and now it was all getting manifested eventually. can i say subhanallah big time for that! YES! because every time i look back, none of these people, things, experience, skills i have had right now occupied my wish lists back then, except having a laptop. i was a kid i didn’t even know i’ll have it because our parents never inspired us to buy stuffs only because they focus on paying our school tuition fees. but one thing i am sure why this has been a blessing, it is because i was praying a lot, doing my homework as a student. no gadgets available. joined all by my siblings because we are not allowed to play around most of the time. tv watching is limited. playing nintendo is limited. seeing our cousins or hanging out with them is limited. sleeping is limited. We are in an army households and didn’t know our parents are just preparing us towards the crucial world. 

and so, at this very moment, i am glorifying every little things that had happened here and there(previously and present) and all the people i have meet. this is because i am thankful that i still got a chance to be with my family and give service to people with the remaining life i have. 

i am still breathing…

this my friend, if you are reading… i really meant to say that if your plan is accordance with Allah’s plan for you, then you will accomplish it but when it’s not, know that His plan is much much better than yours and in what’s happening in the world right now? nothing is certain except changes and death. my long term plan has always been changing and so does my short term depending on the situation.

i’ll be back and read this in case i will need those words in the future.

writing this blog for August. :) if ever i haven’t mentioned before that every things i have or own i.e. phone, tablet etc, i call them names. 

2020 is a year of appreciating everything we have. and that includes you, being able to read thi again. 

much <3,

js

IBF | International Badminton Family

back in december 2017 in UIN Malang along with my final undergraduate thesis, i wanted to do something.

a sports.

tried taekwondo. had a couple of friends joined in and didn't last because of distance and time. also, the sport was too cool for us.

side note: too many rules and we're only after doing-something. we had fun but there's more to it. life long dedication, which doesn't apply to our purpose of joining the club in the first place.

so we left.

looking for more dynamic activity because staying active helps promote and increase health and wellness throughout all stages of life. then nuree - a thai close friend came up with badminton.

just... the... two... of... us.

playing it like little kids but this one is with purpose so we get ourselves active and we sweat and then we're done. playing at the 3rd floor of our dormitory building can be crucial as it is abusing the use of the hall. *we had been warned and we kept ignoring it.

day after day after all univ requirement has been complied, i would ask nuree to play again, just so staying-active is kept. it's fun and you don't need a goddamn rules until sometimes in January 2018.

...and a real badminton story begun.

a group of male player(not athletes) consists of cambodian, malaysian, thailand and chinese, introduces us using the badminton net. and boy what a surprise, to play with them is to play the rules of badminton.

WREALLY????? ok cool but, WHY???

there is no why, the 'why' happens only in my brain, because i never literally questioned them.
staying active right? let's stick to it and not on, learning badminton rules.

day one had passed by. YEY! let's do it again tomorrow.

and they're lazy.
and i can't play without net this time around.

and it's not okay that i have to contact someone to inform them that i am in need of badminton net because i am desperate to get active. promoting healthy lifestyle, right??

right.

not being the mainstream sport in my country(philippines). badminton is apparently one of the big cheese in the name of sports activities in indonesia. and there's more... not to my knowledge, just had the best and the right people - to have - for me to get the best out of badminton. rulings in a very fun and awkward way.

yes it's awkward.

for me: not knowing these people personally and tried my best to cope up with their playing mechanics, and i only have energy to bring to the court and zero of the game intelligence itself.

for them: to break it to my face because i am doing it everything in wrong way.

conclusion, i know nothing about badminton but the persistence side of me wanting to stay active, had escalated to, wanting to learn this sport.

and again, the right people had me learnt it by heart. the main reason i am writing this blog. identifying the following people with my own short description of their roles, based only on my point of view. had to give them credit and the lists are as follows.

moksin - the coach, later became the group leader

kovy - the side kick and acrobatic split-er

gony - the most punctual and one-on-one challenger to keep the female members improving. or atleast that's what everyone get from him.

jumat - his chinese name is ma jia hui, who never leaves the court. very dedicated and never accept loses.

halim - the net killer. the most silent. very sociable to other players. of course pun intended.

hasan - the yellow shoes, which later on got stolen, because who doesn't believe in evil eye? too bad, lost-shoe-tracker haven't invented yet.

ridwan - da wan. very comfortable in bear foot playing. i saw him once with a girls sport shoes. and he is not ashame of it. in pink color.

bahrruddin - the flying mosquito. left the university because no one wants a mosquito. i mean, he has to leave and that is leaving the us, too. left some of the female players' heart broken.

mah chi wei - if there is karate version of badminton, he has the best demonstration of it. keep it up mah chi wei.

khalid - the expired member of the group because of personal conflicts with other member. his good intention led to termination. i still commend his badminton skills. i have learned some from him and aina(my younger sister) thinks he has cool badminton shoes.

rustan - suad's husband, very skillful in playing.

suad - rustan's wife, very careful in playing.

zianab - the baby of the group. unior(university's sports club) member. IBF's spy.

sumairee - the AYOO and AYU. the chef and the chief. salute!

aina - the one and only, doctorate member. all time champion, undefeated and undisputed. the defender. the speaker.

nuree - the ghost member.

ilsia - not a member.

laily - the active and inactive member. the captain marvel of IBF.

aziza - the selfie member.

nazira, salima, nariman - whatsapp 'badminton attendance' group with special daily invitaion. VIP's

special participation: safini, raha, aziza's sister,  amerkhan, bahar, pak didik, syukri, jehad, and some arab fellas i don't remember their names.

late joiners : shielah, aisha, elsa, nissa, abu ubaida,

and last but not least,

pak mualif - our distinguished shuttlecock sponsor.

and so much more.

if it wasn't because of these people mentioned above, there will be no IBF. there will be no restriction on using badminton stand in our own SC(Sport Center). there will be no negotiations and issues accumulated against univresity's student's affairs, thus, Sports Center usage lead to scheduling.

yes, they scheduled us. chained and lock the badminton stand for a limit use.

but nothing had stopped us. we would be in dismay, in discomfort to the extend we would overstate it as a drug addiction without cure. we need the dose. mostly, them not me.
i'm okay, i'm always good, yeah.

so to firmly stand with our privileged as the university's student. we kept going, fought for our right and we sought solid in friendship.

S O L I D !

every single day we would find an issue that could avert badminton to happen.

certain circumstances such as, rain, no available place to play, no shuttlecocks, not enough players, no vehicles if court is reserved in distant places, no badminton apparel, shoes on laundry, really?, injured body parts due to extreme playing, which the only cure is to play it double extreme the next day.

there's just no hope for this reasons to keep coming... we would always find a resolution to every single case. and here's how we dealt on some cases. and just by writing this, it brings back all the memories. (maroon 5)

rain? there's always umbrella.
no available place to play? tidar is always the resort.
laziness? nobody recognizes this word. everybody! out of the cave!
no shuttlecocks? buy one.
no vehicle? grabbike.
no players? pak didik.
injured body parts due to extreme playing? showing up the next day and double the extreme. the only remedy.
no apparel: borrow from others. but that is disgusting. i hope no one did it back then.

IBF memories and every single thing that correlates to it hunts me 'til to this day. they're all for keeps, good and bad. there was no regret in every single event that had happen. so if ever you are an IBF or your name has mentioned above... you are part of my 2018 people.

as IBF was gradually went on stages before it became a solid social group. i can't stress it enough how excited and overwhelmed i was when it actually resulted to some kind of real bond and at some point changes the way other members have looked upon life. nothing is impossible. if you believe at achieving something... start small, and keep going. never stop and you'll get there. IBF got into stages, day by day, situations after situations. and as i give a short illustration on how it has happened, please know that this was only the side of my story.

first stage: common interest. people want activity in their free times- other than classes - so as i brought together females who are interested to play. we would have an information if male group are playing so we could tag along. because we're poor we don't have badminton net.

second stage: badminton became the new fun. whatsapp group has been created due to information demand for time and place availability of badminton net and courts.

third stage: mini-tournaments are conducted and new badminton shoes and rackets are the new trends. and i'm not an exemption. i mean, it's what everybody is into, hello.

fourth stage: the final transformation. every single one is hooked. either they like it or not. it's because it's a must. one missed day, the next day is double wild. members would play twice a day. sometimes i'd advice them not to do it too much, but who am i? - oh their smashing target- and they're happy to do that. they laugh first and then they would apologize. i'm hurt already, what's the point of sorry?

but here are things that i've learned from receiving hits right on my face and why it is okay to forgive but never forgets?

- he is just happy to score: jumat's double hit. the very first shameful hit i had recieved in my left and right forehead. he must be thinking he needs to balance it.

- there was a motive plot frame-up between my team mate (hasan) and the opponent(moksin teamed up with halim): combination of the slow pass and hit in my face(right cheek) and was recorded by hasan, and that's when i know he was the mastermind. passed slowly on moksin and he might be giving him some wink and there you go, mission accomplished. next thing i know, a GIF was sent to whatsapp group. yay!!

- she's on perfume: the effective trick. her perfume that day was stunning. sumairee did her remark. and it was the very last day of my badminton bonding with IBF.

sigh...

as i am writing this on my notes, i had a sudden thought as i paused...

i've learn a lot from everything and anything in this badminton group family. the catch is, it wasn't just knowing the sport or learning the skills. the personal growth that it taught me along with it, self-descipline, perserverance, dedication, compassion, leadership, understanding, believing in one's self, decisiveness, being patient and most of all, unity. one sure thing i wish that would've happened right before i left IBF, i wish i knew them at the very first day of my stay in indonesia...

as i finally end my thoughts on IBF accumulation, looking back on the few random pictures that are captured back in those days, will forever be a treasure.

tidar : emoji war

tidar : the game of who'll touch the door first

sport center : mini-tournament event, losers. haha

sport center : mini-tournament event winners

UIN campus : share your blessings. feeding event. IBF extra activity.

tidar: aina and pak didik in-action poses.

tidar: never happened in history, only in IBF.  playing without electricity.

sport center : if there's a will, there's a way. i came back after a prank

pantai tamban : the long road. very long road.

sport center : 1st mini-tournament event group picture

sport center : 2nd mini-tournament event group picture.

tidar : the modelling 

unknown place for me but it looks like wakanda forever 

sport center : one of those days

kuburan : highlights

batos : the early birds catches bookings

the unpaid IBF shirt model

tidar : the quick warm ups

sport center : 2nd mini-tournament

rectorat : pak mualif as our shuttlecocks' sponsor

coklat klasik : the crew guy

pantai tamban : coconut is my favorite

batu campus : the serve for cakes

UIN campus : final meeting

maxx corner : play hard or go home.

UIN campus : the last gathering.

tidar : one of those afternoons

sport center : the fake audience ^^

bonus images

special effects credits to aina's special talent

IBF official logo is designed by me. for inquiries, please contact moksin ^^

<and another image...>

<and another...>

p.s. i might update this blog for more details because memories keeps flashing and memories bring back memories yow! ☺

*********

UPDATE! 

October 06, 2020 tuesday, i have decided to put an end to some of the remaining connection this group has. our IBF WHATSAPP GROUP.

i have conducted a survey prior to deleting it.

to my surprise, group members aren't so much of deleting it. but to me, it's about time. because “Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.”

― Jack Kornfield. and this will all be well. as of the result, 

and for the final closure. here is a short clip i've made, for ibf to remember. 

Mohammadnoor | the kid next door!

Marawi Smart Kid's Foundation - November, 2018

kids are the most amazing living things in this planet earth. and the most annoying, too. they're curious, playful, pure and just like me, adorable. one of the very important lesson i have gotten when i was leaving my childhood phase, is that, we truly look up for people around us, and they are affecting us as we grow old in a way we could have their beliefs instilled in us.

kids will like what you like.

they want to think the way you think.

they will ask you things that they see around you.

they will ask why are you doing such an action.

sometimes they just do whatever you do, even if it is drinking black coffee.

they. will. do it.

when everyone in our house is getting older, our house becomes dull and plain. no one is playing around anymore. no one is messing around with the wall paintings anymore. no one builds a house inside our house using blankets and  anything that is available inside our house.

there's no more. everyone has gotten busy.

and then mohammadnoor came.

and i came home from studying abroad. and he was there. wanted to play. ALL... THE.... TIME.

he would cry like there is no tomorrow if i ask for a time-out. and i would ask his mom(my elder sister) to help me soothe him from whining and there is no resolution for that but to continue playing with him.

i was once a kid. and i know how it is important to have a healthy and good environment. i wish i had me when i was a kid. so i can play with me as i play with mohammadnoor. which is creepy, to think about. okay this is not about me, this blog is solely dedicated for my one and only growing-up-nephew, mohammadnoor.

he just turned 6-year-old today, april 4 as i write this blog and try to compensate for not being present on his graduation party and as the first grandchild, and first nephew to our small circle of family... the moment should be epic. i want him to remember this day, that someone somewhere far, her kaka is always here. literally, writing about him and if he is going to read this one day as he grow up and as the website still runs for free, i'm writing some wisdom as i wanted to remind myself,too...

dear manor, (that's what i call him).

you are going to face failure, but you always control how you start over. the unknown is going to scare you but you need to be fearless as you deal with it. life is meant to be uncertain, just know that each day is special to have. you are very special. never doubt yourself.i always got your back. love your parents big-time and lastly, be better than me. 

kaka

the last word is going to be hard for him. but i know it's achievable. ^_^

and to end this blog, i'd like to thank bobby(you know who you are), for sending over his pictures to me, as follows, ALHAMDULILLAH!

"the always ugly smile. leaving me laughing at my own self."

Kinder II Graduation April 1, 2019

"the asian-type-pose"

MY MAN!

YOUR MOM! :D

no matter how much i wanted this kid to stay little for a while. i am not ready for him to grow up.

it's going to be tough, kid. but it's going to happen. BE GREAT, DO GREAT!

yours,

JS

coffee talk | why coffee!?

yeah. why people can't stop asking about this?

why?

i love coffee. and let's stop arguing. oh we're not arguing. i am writing about this. literally, sharing my thoughts about coffee. no objections. but you can always leave a comment. feel free.

i have this really deep love and affection toward coffee. what happened was, i was always curious about my father's drinking it back then. i always look up to my father. i'm not going to call it daddy's girl thing but let's just say, i like hanging out with my father more that my mom. he is a coffee lover and and at that time i was very young. so young that i almost believe he will never let me drink coffee.

traditionally, coffees are for old people. if we have the same traditional belief then, good. it kinda installed into me till i found out i am able to sip it and be addicted to it, 'never my entire life'.  unintentionally, i can still remember i was doing my nursing curses at that time and i always hang-out with friends the whole entire day and come home to sleep ^_^ so, that's like the life i had for 2 years long. 2007-2009.

my friends were selected. i am nerd. loner. sensitive but warm and friendly. ahay! that's why they found me. so much so that most of them were 10 years older than me. selected.

they drink coffee.

and they don't care about me.

what i mean about they don't care about me is that, they treat me as if i'm in their ages. and i like that about them. i feel matured and experienced person. though i tried really hard to understand their perceptions about life. 

they drink coffee. they eat food. they go out. they enjoy.

so i drink coffee eventually. though i know it's almost like a taboo at home. i was around 18 or 19 when i realize i'm drinking coffee with beverages, like, crazy. i didn't care about its effects on me but what i knew was i liked the taste of it. i looked for it. i wanted it.

now, people around me start asking me. why coffee?

oh, before i forgot, it's been 2 years i'm trying to maintain black coffee. it's more beneficial. it's healthier. and it is what it is. a coffee.

also, i lived with russian and madagascar people. it's now mixed with tea and talks. 

p.s. the above thoughts are written 6 years ago. i just had the chance to post it now(Feb.11,2023). if you are reading this. please please please. WRITE! 

just write. i encourage you! it's like, writing yourself to the future you. the more you write the more you get to know yourself. 

J

coffee talk | we all make mistakes

kinda admit that this blog will somehow produce some mistake ideas along the way. what? way? which way? way in your disturbed mind.

ok, so i read this book - i am not going to call on because we aren’t close friend yet. but every book i read most are conversely recommended toward friends that are dear to me. most of them have rejected my offer just because i talked about it already and the excitement i gave to them during the promotion is just draining to their hearings. oh well i’m a good story teller. so i change the way i gush about the book i read, with a serious face and a right hand gestures, enough for them to get the surface value of what i am talking about. “hey. this book. it’s good”. a thumbs up and a little wink. “read it.” followed by an executive nod as if you are showing a respect to a president’s presence, should get them hooked. expecting to see them the next day and finally talk about it. “i told you, so.” (i’m not sure if i should put a comma between the word you and so). disclaimer is as important as breakfast.

in all honesty. because of this book i am currently reading, punched me right on the brain on my self-righteous sense of believing about my myself being right at something. i was wrong. and to pass this bad feelings you are wrong, too. and them. and all of us.

here’s the thing, if i write a hundreds of blogs and nobody ever tried to read it(which is why i keep writing) and to others, this idea of writing a blog without the reader, just didn’t make sense because what for is the blog without a reader? first of all, why do they even care if i don’t have a reader. i have one reader and critic. and that is me (the supportive side of me).

so i’m gonna talk about making mistakes. 

i failed at something and it was my mistake. but what is the other option? own it. learn from it. and learning from it doesn’t necessarily make you do the right thing. it will only lead you to do less mistake. and lesser and lesser(and i haven’t done it right so, i am not going to conclude yet). 

the truth is, everybody make mistakes, everybody lies, everybody cheated on someone or some test(i did it once, when the proctor went out, and i glanced on google. it was his fault). somewhere along a friendship or a relationship or a familyship(really?) had accused someone mistakenly because they thought they’re right. no. actually they only have right to feel accusing somebody(for emotional purposes) but actually, the accusation was all wrong, they’re just being subjective(unless the proof was practically proven).

as simple as this title goes. we all make mistakes. and if you don’t make mistakes, YOU ARE NOT HUMAN. if you disagree. then there you go, you just made your first mistake.

learn!

coffee talk | when i caught myself

title is inspired by the paramore song. i assume only few had heard about it. if you’ve heard about it, you’re cool. if you haven’t, then you don’t have to. this isn’t the time for wasteful stuffs. but their very latest album is out by the way. just so you know.

i caught myself. again. having an urge to write. to say something about this. what is this? this writing. well, i caught myself on an intense pressure. very intense i can’t get my head straight. so i need to do something about it. and this is what i have to do. write.

after napping for a couple of minutes. got up and continue this.

no. stop right there. after a couple of days, literally, continuing to write this. see, this generation right now screws everything up (i have to blame the contemporary life so i can feel a little bit better). i watched youtube. there you go. confession. x games. i missed the last year’s so i am coping up. it was saturday so it wasn’t really that a threat to my guilt of - why i wasn’t working on my thesis and instead wasting my time on youtube x games. and this, blog. WASTED! and this morning i spent time hanging out cycling. learning on brakes. meeting mr. sun’s first rise. YEAH! goal!!!

going back to what is this intense pressure. (finally, i am going to talk something useful, yeay!) catching yourself doing something completely unrelated to what you suppose to do. like to me, people have been asking “what are you doing, jo? why can’t you finish your thesis?” no, they didn’t really asked that. what actually upsets me, is that, they didn’t even bother to ask that. they’re asking me like, “when are you going to graduate?” or somewhatlike, “are your parents coming over for your graduation?” oh man! i haven’t finish the book i am into right now, let me finish it and we’ll talk later. my head is screaming!

coffee.

the truth is. i can’t force it people. i am just doing what i am able to do. and when i say caught myself. it means. my anxiety of not getting THERE! that there screws my heads up until is start feeling a headache. and a gallon of water won’t help. so why am i writing this? simple. it is my catharsis. it is my only relief. i am not good at talking my emotion with someone. i can give an advice. but i prefer to bury that emotional explosive someone else doesn’t deserve to listen to. so, i needed to come up with substitute. 

writing.

not legitimate writings but at least do something. do something about it. that “intense pressure”. and you’ll find yourself coming out from it. not ignoring it, but the avoidance of emotional break down. easier said than done. but it works on me. all the time.

peace.